Friday, September 5, 2014

Why am I being disliked?

If you are a person wondering why you are being disliked by people around you for no valid reason, you will not be surprised to know that people may dislike you just because you failed to keep up to their expectations. Expectations can be any form- simple, intense, relational and sometimes unwarranted. However, we need to realize that we cannot meet the expectations of others fully. We do take efforts to fulfill the expectations of immediate family members. For instance, between parents and children, between spouses, etc. Yet it is difficult to fulfill all of the unspoken expectations.

If we find that people get cross with us just because we failed to keep up to their expectations, we will need to understand that we will eventually be disliked. How would we handle such situations? Most of us would answer...'I don't care for such people in my life' or even 'I don't want them'. Instead of holding such attitude, what we can do as matured adults is to allow those who dislike us be what they are, feel what they want to and continue to be them. All that we can do is distance from them psychologically and give them their psychological space.

Giving psychological space to others is an important ingredient for interpersonal relationships as well as for our psychological well-being. It refers to not cribbing and complaining about people who dislike us but accept it as their innate nature and consider less of why they dislike us. This will heal our inner self as it will enable us to experience psychological freedom in unimaginable ways...

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Social Comparison Theory-4

Inevitably we engage in the habit of social comparisons and one of the ideal forms of social comparisons that can help us to live with contentment is to compare not with those who are better of than us...but to compare with those who endure harder life struggles than us. It is no use cribbing about some things that happened in our lives that are unchangeable. There are two kinds of life's happenings those that we can change and those that we cannot. That is why we often refer to the quote:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It is very essential that we identify the difference between the things that we can change in our lives and the things we cannot. So how do we handle the things that are unpleasant and undesirable in our lives. Firstly, we need to identify things in our lives that we cannot change. Secondly, we need to accept and acknowledge the unchangeable aspect of life by understanding the fact that we cannot expect things to change magically or hold unrealistic expectations. Finally, though we cannot change some things in our lives we can change our reactions to it.

How do we change our reactions to the unpleasant and undesirable happenings or things in our lives? Social comparison theory helps us here...we need to consider those real life people who struggle the worst in their lives and still live positively. We will be able to see that in spite of their life struggles they still take efforts to make the best out of their lives... for themselves and their dependencies. We have a lesson to learn from such people.

Instead of comparing with those who are better of than us and cribbing about what we have or don't have why not learn lessons from the real life heroes who live their lives successfully with a purpose amidst all storms...

Monday, September 1, 2014

I will be disliked...

Generally, we all have a good feeling about ourselves. Each of us to a greater degree know about ourselves as a person and we presumably believe that we are 'good'. It is essential to have this kind of perception for us to function normally as an individual. However, we may fall into the trap of belief system that we are generally likable by all and hence our communication, behaviors, actions, choices and decision-making can be driven by this presumption.

If you are a person who carry this kind of belief system that 'I am generally likable' it may be difficult for you to handle instances of rejection or non-acceptance. I personally was plagued with this kind of belief system for many years and when faced with instances of non-acceptance or rejection felt miserable. One fine day an article I read helped me to realize no matter how good I am or would have been good to people, how much ever loving... not all will get to like me. The article struck me like an lightning and I felt delivered to know the truth that "I will be disliked" no matter how hard I try to invest in people and relationships.

To know that 'I will be disliked' brought in deliverance to my inner struggle. I felt free, calm and at ease to be myself. If you are a people-person know that you will be liked as well as disliked, loved as well as unloved, accepted as well as rejected. Since each individual's perception and attitude is different not everyone will see things from our eyes. First, we need to get out of this belief system so that we can function normally as a person and not be weighed down by others reactions towards us...

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Social Comparison Theory-1

Whether we identify it or not, whether accept it or not we all subconsciously indulge in social comparison theory. How many of us have come across people who would want to buy things for themselves or their house just because a neighbor had bought or possess something that they don't have? This kind of behavior is merely because individuals unknowingly engage in social comparison theory. We compare ourselves with others who are higher to us in terms of socioeconomic status or those whom we consider our equals.

Is this kind of comparison wrong? Social comparison is fair enough as long as we are progressing in a healthy manner. For instance, we compare ourselves with high achievers and may develop strong aspirations or ambitions to grow in life. This kind of social comparison is healthy as it enables us to set goals for life. However, we need to be cautious about the kind of social comparisons we make. If we desire to buy a car of a particular brand its good. However, if we start indulging in behaviors that 'whatever others have even I should have' that can cause to yield into unrealistic expectations, disappointments and frustrations. 

We cannot live peacefully by setting standards based on others. We need to set standards for living based on our core inner values that drive purpose for our living. Then our social comparisons would generally be healthy. We are who we are no matter what others say or comment about us. As long as we live in this kind of confidence knowing the driving purpose of lives, we can surely live a contented life no matter where and how we live...

However, contentedness of life is something that we define!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Giver Vs Receiver

Have you ever been a giver? Generally, when we talk about giving we perceive it in terms of money. How sad that the world is so focused on monetary gains...What about giving ourselves selflessly to others. Have you been a selfless giver in your close relationships? Be it your spouse, child (children), parent, friend, or sibling?

How much of quality time do we give to the relationships in the inner circle? How many of us have loved someone selflessly? People who are always in the habit of receiving do not learn to give it back and finally they end up becoming dry...On the contrary people who have always been on the giving end give up in investing in relationships that are no longer fruitful (again not in monetary terms) as they get fed up with giving ...not being at the receiving end.

For any relationship to function smoothly both the parties should be equal givers and receivers in terms of sharing, caring, showing empathy, courtesy and spending time. Investing in relationships takes efforts, time and prioritizing. Only those relationships that are genuine with  selfless attitude sustains. When people invest in relationships for monetary gains or to achieve selfish personal goals, they disrupt relationships resulting in stagnation or termination. In today's context we can find people who form relationships for the purpose of using others (like toilet papers eh?).

How many of us would be ready to give ourselves to others with genuineness and self-less attitude? However, we should be careful while investing in relationships by weighing down the cost versus rewards. Rewards are those who can give back when you invest; and costs are the pain and losses you encounter by in investing in wrong relationships...We need use diligence and prudence when it comes to investing ...both relationships and finances alike!

Monday, August 11, 2014

Whom are You Feeding? Ego?

Sometimes we would have come across people whom we refer as egoistic generally because they do not easily apologize when they do wrong to others. Have you ever wondered why is it so hard for people to say "Sorry" genuinely? Fake sorry or simply saying sorry without really meaning it a mere lip service and is done to escape the situation or manipulate with people. However, genuine sorry can be told only by those who have humility in their innate nature. People who do not want to sincerely and genuinely apologize are 'perfectionists'. In their perception their are always right while others are wrong. They are the ones who easily blame others, situations or events if something is not working in their lives according to their expectations.

We cannot make people to apologize. Perfectionists are hard to break from their personalities. People who find fault with others except themselves are perfectionists. People who want their way in everything are perfectionists. According to Julie "perfectionism is the result of a false sense of pride" and that it is an egoistic condition which perfectionists need to break free from (2013). Julie affirms that unless a perfectionist changes his/her attitude of serving the 'self' at all times and move to serving others, he/she will continue to be dissatisfied in life (2013).

Whether we want to serve our self-centered ego or break free from the false pride is something that we need to decide on...solely!

Julie. (2013). Perfectionism Is All About Ego-Drop the Facade. Sober

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Super-Ego:- Good or Bad?

As per Freud's psychoanalytical theory we all have the id, ego and super-ego. In lay man's terms we would have coined the word "ego" with a negative connotation and would have said "She is a very egoistic person" which perhaps would mean that she is arrogant or snobbish. The id is the one that demands to meet the basic needs immediately like hunger, thirst, love, social acceptance, etc. The super-ego is the conscience that sets moral standards or principles within us derived from our environment, culture, family upbringing, etc. The ego is the one that directs the id and the super-ego based on realistic principle determining what kind of communications, behaviors and actions are appropriate or what are inappropriate.

However, the definition of super-ego has undergone several changes because it cannot be considered on abstract terms and be seen merely as conscience. What about people who commit crimes? Do they lack super-ego? Certainly not...Their super-ego is harsh where their conscience is compromised. People with harsh super-ego's have compromised values like an "eye for eye or tooth for tooth". OR something like "life is not working for me as expected so why should life be good for others". OR "Its okay if I lose one eye, but he/she should lose both the eyes'.

According to Chris L. Minnick (2014) the super-ego is actually how a person relates to self and internal version of descriptions of relationships that exists in the unconscious realm which is applicable for each individual. For people with harsh super-ego, the definition of self and relationships are concrete in nature which means it cannot be easily changed as it has been persistent since their childhood years and has been reinforced by later life experiences.

We can find that people who are snobbish, arrogant and proud who easily demean or hurt others self-respect or degrade others self-image as they have a harsh super-ego. However, such people seldom understand that they are projecting a negative self-image about themselves before others rather than an enhanced self-image. Whether we function with a super-ego that comprises of moral values or have harsh super-ego that is compromised is something we ought to determine...

Minnick, C.L. (2014). Super-Ego and Conscience. Minnick's Klein Academy. Retrieved from: